Happy Birthday Granny

It's one day late, but yesterday was my Granny's 100th birthday. I thought about her and how much I miss her. I remembered the "candy drawer" in her kitchen. It was lined with foil and full of candy bars and sweet tarts. In another drawer she hid her cigarettes in an old band-aid can...I found them and smoked them....sorry Granny. Her freezer was always stocked with ice cream "sand-witches" and orange push-ups.

She would love the daffodils blooming now. Her thrift has been in full bloom, and the white iris she gave us years ago have started to bloom. Granny always had a surprise for us. Whether it was her latest crochet project, or a bucket full of bitties that had just hatched out. I loved when we were staying with her and we would have our early morning trip to the Piggly Wiggly. Even though she lived on very little money, I remember her taking me to the candy aisle and telling me to get anything I wanted. That was Granny.

I hope she and Aunt Laverne celebrated her day together, although I know Aunt Laverne rubbed it in that she's the only relative to ever get a cake I decorated. I miss you Granny and hope you know how much you meant to me.....you were the best. I hope where ever you are you can see my yard and know you are always present in my heart every time I walk and look at my flowers. Happy Birthday Granny!

A Year Later

It's one year today that you've been gone Aunt Laverne. I was at work today and I thought about you so much. I thought about how hard your life was and you managed to make it through day after day with little or no help. I thought about how funny you could be, and how stubborn you were (we're a lot alike...you said that too). I thought about Debbie and wondered if she's thinking about you. You are not forgotten and you never will be. I hope I can be as strong and determined as you were. I miss you and hope you know how much Mama and I love you.

Bits and Pieces

Daddy has always been tough. He grew up on a farm, and farmed up until my brother was born. He went to work with Southern Railway I guess the same year Buddy was born (1967), and stayed there until the early nineties. He survived having a car back over him, and then in 1979 having a train drag him down a track and roll over his leg. He went thru years of amputations and deadly infections. Years of hard rehab. I never saw him cry. I remember taking him for physical therapy when I was only 9 and wondering how he could stand the pain. He endured so much, and still managed to hold down a full time job all those years (which is why I get so angry at all the people on public assistance, but that's another story).

Just before the holidays I decided to ride to the Galleria to look for a couple of things. I asked my Dad if he wanted to go, and I was surprised when he said yes. We got to the mall and it was almost like a veil was lifted from my eyes. I saw my Dad who was always so strong.....now as a frail, old man. I was scared to let him walk too far from me: Afraid he might fall or someone might bump into him. I noticed his neck is wrinkled the same way his Mama's is. I wondered when he got so old. Every week Mama and I see the changes. A conversation we had a day before that he can't remember. An idea he gets stuck in his head and that's all we hear that day. A remark we make and Daddy gets it completely twisted around. I think these are the bits and pieces that are breaking away. It's not old age, it's different. He shakes so bad now he can't eat with a fork. If anything....and I mean anything....happens, he cries so hard he can't talk. It makes me angry that things can't be different and he and Mama can't travel the world during these years. It makes me sad that one day I know he might not remember me. I wonder if I'll be like him one day.

This is what family means. When you are family and you love each other, you take care of each other no matter what. You don't hope someone else will come and rescue you from your trouble. You pull together, keep your head down and plow thru. As long as I live and breathe, I hope I can take care of my family....in whatever little I can do.

Spring is Coming

Winter is when I pretty much shut down. Besides celebrating Christmas for two months, I just don't want to do anything in winter. It feels too cold to go outside, and the house seems a little darker so I've always made myself spend many hours at work to get thru these winter months. But now the daffodils are blooming, and every day I see more and more plants coming up thru this cold ground. It makes me look forward to once again being on my hands and knees pulling weeds.....working in my flower beds. Trying to figure out what disease this plant has, and what bug is eating that plant. You have to go thru all of that to get the flowers. Life is really no different. We go thru those dark, lonely days when every thing seems to be shut down. And the more you work it seems the worse things get. But you keep going. You keep trying. Before you know it, in the middle of your trouble, those "flowers" start coming again. You get a glimpse of hope again. I don't just say these words, I've lived it.

Ten years ago was when it all fell apart for me. Work got hard and unpleasant. My marriage started to go. All day long I had to work under miserable conditions.....those lovely 18 hour days. Then I could look forward to driving home never knowing what I would walk in to. My health began to fail, and a few people thought (hoped?) I would drop dead before I turned 31. One doctor told me if I got a good case of the flu it could finish me off. This was the beginning of hell for me. I really can't stand to think of those dark days. It's just too hard....too sad. Nobody really knows how it changed me and how much that hurt never goes away. There is a song I love to quote: "No amount of money could buy from me the memories I have of then. No amount of money could pay me to go back to live through it again". I lived thru those days, and I know how to make it the hard way. I found myself missing a lot of personal possessions and over $30,000 in debt. I made up my mind one morning that this would not be my downward spiral. If it took me five years to dig my way out, I could do it. I worked hard.....just like I always have.....and in two and a half years paid off every penny I owed.

Life is not easy. Life isn't always fair. But, I am living. If I keep living I will turn 40 this year; A lot of people didn't think I'd make it. Here I am. Stronger because of those dark days. Smarter because I lived it. You have to get thru the bad times, the tough times.....the cold "winter times" to get back to spring again. I want to celebrate living. I want to celebrate turning 40. I know hard times will come again, but for today I am going to enjoy the flowers that are blooming right now.

Country Christmas

When we were kids, we would always go home for our family's Christmas get-together. Mama's folks never had much. My Grandpa had farmed all his life, ever since he was a young boy. Grandma was a true country farm wife who had worked in the fields, and was for the most part beaten down by life. She never seemed very happy, but when our car pulled up she would always come out on the porch with a huge smile and give all of us a big hug. That was her happiest point. She was not big on decorations, only a small tree with homemade decorations. Even though there wasn't much money, every one had a gift. I can remember one year getting excited because when I opened mine it was a box of salt water taffy. Daddy whispered to me, "You better open the box first". When I opened it, it was a shirt rolled up.....no taffy. That's usually what we got. I know being a kid I hated getting those shirts, but I can appreciate them now. They had to sacrifice to give all of us something. It was fun all of us being together, especially because my Granny was there and I knew before long we would run down the hill to her house.

Out of every thing, the one thing that always stuck with me was the one decoration on the porch: A big plastic Santa face that lit up. I loved it. No other decorations I remember, just that. You know in the country there are no city lights, no street lights, so you could see that Santa face for a little ways. When every thing was done, we would get in the car to head home. It was dark. I would turn around in the car and watch as long as I could, until that big, plastic Santa face faded from sight. All these years later when I think of that, my heart fills up. I get choked up. My heart is glad again. I don't know why that one memory is so strong, but hope I never forget.

Today with all my Christmas decorations are two my brother gave me which I treasure. On my front door, and on the side door, I have a big, plastic Santa face that lights up. When I see them, I remember those Christmases so long ago and my heart is glad again.

God Goes Ballooning

I must have been around 11 when a special event was held at Legion Field. It was called "God Goes Ballooning". It was sponsored by the then gospel radio station WDJC and area churches. At this event they were releasing hundreds (maybe thousands) of balloons with scripture messages inside each one. I wanted to go so badly. I just wanted to be there and see all those balloons flying away.

At that time I didn't feel great about life. We had moved from Mississippi and I had to leave the school I loved so much and all my friends. Daddy had gone thru a terrible accident and had the after effects of a head injury. Coming to Alabama, I felt alone and pretty much hated it all.

When I heard what was happening at Legion Field, I remember praying that God would send one of those balloons to me. Now mind you, I had no idea that Legion Field was a long ways from my house, or that cheap, helium balloons didn't go very far.

It was on a fall day a few weeks after the event (it had probably left my mind already) when I was walking through the woods in front of our house. I think Daddy, Buddy and I were sawing trees for firewood or something like that. I noticed at the very bottom of our property there was something red hanging from a limb. I walked down to get a closer look. Reaching up in the tree, I pulled down a deflated balloon with the words across it, "God Goes Ballooning". I can not describe what I felt. I, in simple childlike faith, had prayed to God to send a balloon my way....and He did. It traveled all those miles thru Birmingham. Past city buildings; telephone wires; television antennas; and no doubt thousands of trees. Not only had it made it thru B'ham, but all the cities that came after it until it came to Alabaster. This still amazes me. After the balloon made it to my city, it did not float down until it reached my yard! There was a card inside the balloon with a scripture on it. Nearly 30 years later, I still have that card.

It was that day that I realized that there was a God in heaven and He knew who I was. He knew all about my feelings of sadness and loneliness. And with all the things happening in the world, he cared enough to send this kid a red balloon. It's just proof that God really cares and He loves us. He cares about the little things...the every day things. When we think we are completely alone and everyone has forgotten us, God is there. When we get older we tend to complicate every thing and so many times we make life harder than it has to be. Sometimes it would be so much better to look up to God like a little child and say, "God, could you please send a balloon my way?". You gotta remember, it may not fall in your lap. Sometimes it's hanging by a tree limb......you have to keep looking up. The signs are there.....you just have to look!

Aunt Laverne

My Aunt Laverne died earlier this year. I think some people thought they really knew her, but didn't know much at all. She was tough.....tough as nails. If you spent much time with her, she could let you know how tough she was.

When I was a kid and got to go for a visit was a true adventure. You drove out in the country, and then had to drive back in the piney woods. As my Grandpa would have said, "She lives in the country...shore 'nuff". Her house was a simple, country house. The front porch was home to dozens of pots and old coffee cans overflowing with plants and flowers. This is where you'd probably find Aunt Laverne. Along with her would be my Uncle Clark, and Debbie would be close by. The house was furnished by Uncle Clark's finds from the dump or wherever else he might have gotten stuff. But, every thing was spic and span. They had added a bathroom years later on the back porch, but Debbie was still inclined to use the outhouse. Their outhouse is the only one I ever visited. I stuck my head in it, and got out straight away. She also had a corn crib and an old fashioned well that you had to draw the water up in a bucket. When I tried to do just that, Aunt Laverne heard the squeeking of the well tickle and came running around the house. She was scared we children would fall in. On more than one occasion she would come out of the house only to be greeted by a big fat rattlesnake. She just went back inside, grabbed the shotgun, and took care of the situation. She was fearless.

Aunt Laverne never had a modern convenience other than electricity and running water. She never had air conditioning or central heat. Didn't drive a car or have anything with a remote control. She never had cable t.v. or a push button phone. I still remember when she finally got a telephone. When she answered it she didn't know to say hello. She would answer by their last name, "GRINER!". She never had a vacation or a day off. Never went to a restaurant for a fancy meal. She raised her special daughter Debbie for over 50 years. Every day bathing and dressing Debbie, and cooking 3 times a day for her. After Uncle Clark passed away from cancer, there was Aunt Laverne still going strong. Mama and I surprised her on her 85th birthday with her first ever decorated cake. On this visit I offered to cut her grass. She let me know she liked to cut her own grass. When she told you things like that, you knew to drop the subject.

It's so easy to say "I need a vacation", or "I need some time to myself". We never heard her say anything like that. I know it had to be so hard and lonesome some days, but she never gave up the fight. She was a servant in every sense of the word, giving her all for Debbie. She lived for Debbie and did every thing she could for her. I hope I never forget her example. In the face of hard times, lonely times; When friends are few and family hard to find; When you feel so tired and worn out: That's when you have to put your head down and plow on through. It's alright to feel tired, but it's not alright to give up. She never gave up.

I know my Aunt Laverne loved me, and I always loved her. I can still see her sitting by my Grandma's dining table. It was in better times when all the family came together and spent the whole day together. Aunt Laverne had picked up a toy that one of us kids had, and she sat back in a chair roaring with laughter playing with that toy. That's how I will always remember her: Addie Laverne Griner.

Thankyou Aunt Laverne for all the laughs and for life lessons I'll never forget.