A New Start (Again)

So once again I am making a new start. I feel like I've been doing that for years, but I guess a new start is better than a miserable present.

I am 41 years old, have been in food service nearly 20 years (decorating cakes for 16). I was so nervous yesterday when I had to go fill out some paperwork, I took a xanax. That's not something I normally do (rarely), but new things/changes make me a nervous wreck. But just you wait until I get my feet wet, I will make those people fall in love with me.

In A Nut Shell

I haven't done this in so long, there's no way I can catch up. Early last Summer (2009), Daddy was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. We were devastated. I'll never forget Mama pushing Daddy's wheelchair, tears pouring down her face, and her mouthing the words to me "Alzheimer's". We went home together. Daddy laid down on the bed, and cried, while Mama held his hand and cried. I bottled it all up, and did my crying alone. Only weeks after this, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. In many ways we've been losing him bit by bit, but in some ways he's improved. The "cocktail" of pills has helped the tremors enough that he can once again work his beloved crossword puzzle. He even wrote me a letter for my 41st birthday (can't ever remember him doing that).

I went from working 60 hour weeks, to working 30 hour weeks...just so I could be with him. I've now left that job, and am starting a new one. We will be facing some new challenges, but Mama and I are pretty tough (some would say mean), and I know we can work it out. I have let fear, and "what if's" control my decisions, and it's time to change some things.

This past year has been a learning experience, and I know we'll look back one day and realize that these were "the easy days". When it gets worse, and it will (there's no cure for Alzheimer's except death), we're going to dig deep, and keep on going.

Christmas in Summer

When I decorate for Christmas, I always take holly leaves and berries to decorate around our door. This past December when I went to the holly bush for my traditional clipping, I was surprised that there were no berries: Not one. I looked and looked and could not believe that huge bush that always has berries every Christmas was bare this time. So, I made due with the leaves and a few berries from a nandina bush.

Last week I was doing my gardening (in this 100 degree heat), and found myself next to the same holly bush. It was loaded with berries; The branches bending with the weight of all the berries. I thought it was strange to see them now. But at the same time it made me feel a glimmer inside. You know that special feeling you get during the holidays. It's different when you get older....and a little wiser. Not the excitement of what you're going to get or that Santa Claus is coming. It's a special feeling I get from the spirit of Christmas: The lights, the decorations, the tree, and yes what I will give every one. I love it all. When I saw those berries, I had that special feeling. I felt like nature was telling me "You're already half way thru another year, and Christmas will be here before you know it". I never cease to be amazed at what I learn in nature. The lessons are new every day. And this time, it shared the spirit of Christmas with me. There are signs all around us. We just have to be willing to slow down long enough to look and take them to heart.

My Last Grandparent

Last Friday my grandma Mrs. Madge Davis passed away.....I called her "Ma-Ma". She was 88 years old....and a hell raiser for most of those 88 years. She had been a farm wife for many years, and a widow since 1971. She loved fancy clothes and dressing fine. In it's day, her little trailer was pretty nice. It was white with red trim, and there was a carport to shelter her pretty red Chevrolet. Inside the trailer was red carpet, and red drapes........red was her favorite color. She always kept cookies in a tea pot shaped, green cookie jar. And she made the best cakes in the world. We never left without Lemon Cheese cake; Coconut cake (pink and white layers with divinity icing); Yellow cake with chocolate icing that had crushed pecans in it. And her fudge and divinity couldn't be beat. I try to make it like her, but haven't gotten there yet. She didn't believe in a candy thermometer, and when I mentioned having one, she told me to "throw the shittin' thing out". She was impatient, demanding, and a hypochondriac. But she was also giving and generous to a fault. If she had five dollars in the bank, you could have it if you asked. She would give you the shirt off her back. She loved her children more than anything, and I think in her own way she loved me. MaMa worked at the 76 Truckstop over 30 years. Even when she was going blind, she still drove to work at the truckstop. She was always up by 5 every morning, many times baking cakes for friends or baking to make a few extra dollars. It was nothing for her to have 50 cakes in the freezer.
By the time she went to an assisted living home, she was getting in bad shape. She had a badly mangled arm, was nearly blind and deaf, then developed Alzheimer's Disease. All the time she had it in her mind that she was going back to her trailer.....she loved that place. And she was always proud of being a Dooly County resident. A couple of weeks ago her kidneys began to fail, and that was the end. She lasted a lot longer than anyone ever thought she would. I know she could make some visits miserable, but right now I'm remembering happy times. I've thought about dirty jokes she told me, and how she went to see Porky's when it first came out. She told me about the bad scenes in the movie and threw her head back laughing. I've thought about her cussing and demanding every one to get in the kitchen and eat some "bah-b-que". She was a mess and I will miss her. She was my last grandparent......she held out a long time. I'm sure it was pure stubbornness. I hope where ever she is that she knows we love her and hope she can calm down now and rest in peace.

Happy Birthday Granny

It's one day late, but yesterday was my Granny's 100th birthday. I thought about her and how much I miss her. I remembered the "candy drawer" in her kitchen. It was lined with foil and full of candy bars and sweet tarts. In another drawer she hid her cigarettes in an old band-aid can...I found them and smoked them....sorry Granny. Her freezer was always stocked with ice cream "sand-witches" and orange push-ups.

She would love the daffodils blooming now. Her thrift has been in full bloom, and the white iris she gave us years ago have started to bloom. Granny always had a surprise for us. Whether it was her latest crochet project, or a bucket full of bitties that had just hatched out. I loved when we were staying with her and we would have our early morning trip to the Piggly Wiggly. Even though she lived on very little money, I remember her taking me to the candy aisle and telling me to get anything I wanted. That was Granny.

I hope she and Aunt Laverne celebrated her day together, although I know Aunt Laverne rubbed it in that she's the only relative to ever get a cake I decorated. I miss you Granny and hope you know how much you meant to me.....you were the best. I hope where ever you are you can see my yard and know you are always present in my heart every time I walk and look at my flowers. Happy Birthday Granny!

A Year Later

It's one year today that you've been gone Aunt Laverne. I was at work today and I thought about you so much. I thought about how hard your life was and you managed to make it through day after day with little or no help. I thought about how funny you could be, and how stubborn you were (we're a lot alike...you said that too). I thought about Debbie and wondered if she's thinking about you. You are not forgotten and you never will be. I hope I can be as strong and determined as you were. I miss you and hope you know how much Mama and I love you.

Bits and Pieces

Daddy has always been tough. He grew up on a farm, and farmed up until my brother was born. He went to work with Southern Railway I guess the same year Buddy was born (1967), and stayed there until the early nineties. He survived having a car back over him, and then in 1979 having a train drag him down a track and roll over his leg. He went thru years of amputations and deadly infections. Years of hard rehab. I never saw him cry. I remember taking him for physical therapy when I was only 9 and wondering how he could stand the pain. He endured so much, and still managed to hold down a full time job all those years (which is why I get so angry at all the people on public assistance, but that's another story).

Just before the holidays I decided to ride to the Galleria to look for a couple of things. I asked my Dad if he wanted to go, and I was surprised when he said yes. We got to the mall and it was almost like a veil was lifted from my eyes. I saw my Dad who was always so strong.....now as a frail, old man. I was scared to let him walk too far from me: Afraid he might fall or someone might bump into him. I noticed his neck is wrinkled the same way his Mama's is. I wondered when he got so old. Every week Mama and I see the changes. A conversation we had a day before that he can't remember. An idea he gets stuck in his head and that's all we hear that day. A remark we make and Daddy gets it completely twisted around. I think these are the bits and pieces that are breaking away. It's not old age, it's different. He shakes so bad now he can't eat with a fork. If anything....and I mean anything....happens, he cries so hard he can't talk. It makes me angry that things can't be different and he and Mama can't travel the world during these years. It makes me sad that one day I know he might not remember me. I wonder if I'll be like him one day.

This is what family means. When you are family and you love each other, you take care of each other no matter what. You don't hope someone else will come and rescue you from your trouble. You pull together, keep your head down and plow thru. As long as I live and breathe, I hope I can take care of my family....in whatever little I can do.

Spring is Coming

Winter is when I pretty much shut down. Besides celebrating Christmas for two months, I just don't want to do anything in winter. It feels too cold to go outside, and the house seems a little darker so I've always made myself spend many hours at work to get thru these winter months. But now the daffodils are blooming, and every day I see more and more plants coming up thru this cold ground. It makes me look forward to once again being on my hands and knees pulling weeds.....working in my flower beds. Trying to figure out what disease this plant has, and what bug is eating that plant. You have to go thru all of that to get the flowers. Life is really no different. We go thru those dark, lonely days when every thing seems to be shut down. And the more you work it seems the worse things get. But you keep going. You keep trying. Before you know it, in the middle of your trouble, those "flowers" start coming again. You get a glimpse of hope again. I don't just say these words, I've lived it.

Ten years ago was when it all fell apart for me. Work got hard and unpleasant. My marriage started to go. All day long I had to work under miserable conditions.....those lovely 18 hour days. Then I could look forward to driving home never knowing what I would walk in to. My health began to fail, and a few people thought (hoped?) I would drop dead before I turned 31. One doctor told me if I got a good case of the flu it could finish me off. This was the beginning of hell for me. I really can't stand to think of those dark days. It's just too hard....too sad. Nobody really knows how it changed me and how much that hurt never goes away. There is a song I love to quote: "No amount of money could buy from me the memories I have of then. No amount of money could pay me to go back to live through it again". I lived thru those days, and I know how to make it the hard way. I found myself missing a lot of personal possessions and over $30,000 in debt. I made up my mind one morning that this would not be my downward spiral. If it took me five years to dig my way out, I could do it. I worked hard.....just like I always have.....and in two and a half years paid off every penny I owed.

Life is not easy. Life isn't always fair. But, I am living. If I keep living I will turn 40 this year; A lot of people didn't think I'd make it. Here I am. Stronger because of those dark days. Smarter because I lived it. You have to get thru the bad times, the tough times.....the cold "winter times" to get back to spring again. I want to celebrate living. I want to celebrate turning 40. I know hard times will come again, but for today I am going to enjoy the flowers that are blooming right now.

Country Christmas

When we were kids, we would always go home for our family's Christmas get-together. Mama's folks never had much. My Grandpa had farmed all his life, ever since he was a young boy. Grandma was a true country farm wife who had worked in the fields, and was for the most part beaten down by life. She never seemed very happy, but when our car pulled up she would always come out on the porch with a huge smile and give all of us a big hug. That was her happiest point. She was not big on decorations, only a small tree with homemade decorations. Even though there wasn't much money, every one had a gift. I can remember one year getting excited because when I opened mine it was a box of salt water taffy. Daddy whispered to me, "You better open the box first". When I opened it, it was a shirt rolled up.....no taffy. That's usually what we got. I know being a kid I hated getting those shirts, but I can appreciate them now. They had to sacrifice to give all of us something. It was fun all of us being together, especially because my Granny was there and I knew before long we would run down the hill to her house.

Out of every thing, the one thing that always stuck with me was the one decoration on the porch: A big plastic Santa face that lit up. I loved it. No other decorations I remember, just that. You know in the country there are no city lights, no street lights, so you could see that Santa face for a little ways. When every thing was done, we would get in the car to head home. It was dark. I would turn around in the car and watch as long as I could, until that big, plastic Santa face faded from sight. All these years later when I think of that, my heart fills up. I get choked up. My heart is glad again. I don't know why that one memory is so strong, but hope I never forget.

Today with all my Christmas decorations are two my brother gave me which I treasure. On my front door, and on the side door, I have a big, plastic Santa face that lights up. When I see them, I remember those Christmases so long ago and my heart is glad again.

God Goes Ballooning

I must have been around 11 when a special event was held at Legion Field. It was called "God Goes Ballooning". It was sponsored by the then gospel radio station WDJC and area churches. At this event they were releasing hundreds (maybe thousands) of balloons with scripture messages inside each one. I wanted to go so badly. I just wanted to be there and see all those balloons flying away.

At that time I didn't feel great about life. We had moved from Mississippi and I had to leave the school I loved so much and all my friends. Daddy had gone thru a terrible accident and had the after effects of a head injury. Coming to Alabama, I felt alone and pretty much hated it all.

When I heard what was happening at Legion Field, I remember praying that God would send one of those balloons to me. Now mind you, I had no idea that Legion Field was a long ways from my house, or that cheap, helium balloons didn't go very far.

It was on a fall day a few weeks after the event (it had probably left my mind already) when I was walking through the woods in front of our house. I think Daddy, Buddy and I were sawing trees for firewood or something like that. I noticed at the very bottom of our property there was something red hanging from a limb. I walked down to get a closer look. Reaching up in the tree, I pulled down a deflated balloon with the words across it, "God Goes Ballooning". I can not describe what I felt. I, in simple childlike faith, had prayed to God to send a balloon my way....and He did. It traveled all those miles thru Birmingham. Past city buildings; telephone wires; television antennas; and no doubt thousands of trees. Not only had it made it thru B'ham, but all the cities that came after it until it came to Alabaster. This still amazes me. After the balloon made it to my city, it did not float down until it reached my yard! There was a card inside the balloon with a scripture on it. Nearly 30 years later, I still have that card.

It was that day that I realized that there was a God in heaven and He knew who I was. He knew all about my feelings of sadness and loneliness. And with all the things happening in the world, he cared enough to send this kid a red balloon. It's just proof that God really cares and He loves us. He cares about the little things...the every day things. When we think we are completely alone and everyone has forgotten us, God is there. When we get older we tend to complicate every thing and so many times we make life harder than it has to be. Sometimes it would be so much better to look up to God like a little child and say, "God, could you please send a balloon my way?". You gotta remember, it may not fall in your lap. Sometimes it's hanging by a tree limb......you have to keep looking up. The signs are there.....you just have to look!

Aunt Laverne

My Aunt Laverne died earlier this year. I think some people thought they really knew her, but didn't know much at all. She was tough.....tough as nails. If you spent much time with her, she could let you know how tough she was.

When I was a kid and got to go for a visit was a true adventure. You drove out in the country, and then had to drive back in the piney woods. As my Grandpa would have said, "She lives in the country...shore 'nuff". Her house was a simple, country house. The front porch was home to dozens of pots and old coffee cans overflowing with plants and flowers. This is where you'd probably find Aunt Laverne. Along with her would be my Uncle Clark, and Debbie would be close by. The house was furnished by Uncle Clark's finds from the dump or wherever else he might have gotten stuff. But, every thing was spic and span. They had added a bathroom years later on the back porch, but Debbie was still inclined to use the outhouse. Their outhouse is the only one I ever visited. I stuck my head in it, and got out straight away. She also had a corn crib and an old fashioned well that you had to draw the water up in a bucket. When I tried to do just that, Aunt Laverne heard the squeeking of the well tickle and came running around the house. She was scared we children would fall in. On more than one occasion she would come out of the house only to be greeted by a big fat rattlesnake. She just went back inside, grabbed the shotgun, and took care of the situation. She was fearless.

Aunt Laverne never had a modern convenience other than electricity and running water. She never had air conditioning or central heat. Didn't drive a car or have anything with a remote control. She never had cable t.v. or a push button phone. I still remember when she finally got a telephone. When she answered it she didn't know to say hello. She would answer by their last name, "GRINER!". She never had a vacation or a day off. Never went to a restaurant for a fancy meal. She raised her special daughter Debbie for over 50 years. Every day bathing and dressing Debbie, and cooking 3 times a day for her. After Uncle Clark passed away from cancer, there was Aunt Laverne still going strong. Mama and I surprised her on her 85th birthday with her first ever decorated cake. On this visit I offered to cut her grass. She let me know she liked to cut her own grass. When she told you things like that, you knew to drop the subject.

It's so easy to say "I need a vacation", or "I need some time to myself". We never heard her say anything like that. I know it had to be so hard and lonesome some days, but she never gave up the fight. She was a servant in every sense of the word, giving her all for Debbie. She lived for Debbie and did every thing she could for her. I hope I never forget her example. In the face of hard times, lonely times; When friends are few and family hard to find; When you feel so tired and worn out: That's when you have to put your head down and plow on through. It's alright to feel tired, but it's not alright to give up. She never gave up.

I know my Aunt Laverne loved me, and I always loved her. I can still see her sitting by my Grandma's dining table. It was in better times when all the family came together and spent the whole day together. Aunt Laverne had picked up a toy that one of us kids had, and she sat back in a chair roaring with laughter playing with that toy. That's how I will always remember her: Addie Laverne Griner.

Thankyou Aunt Laverne for all the laughs and for life lessons I'll never forget.

Granny

Every year I can't wait until spring comes again and my flowers begin to break thru the cold ground. After the cold winter, long nights and bear limbs every where, it's just like old friends returning when my flowers come back. The first is always the daffodils and I'm always excited to see all the new bulbs I've planted the past fall (usually 300+). Before I know it, summer is here and with it all the daylilies. As much as I love all my plants, I especially look forward to one. The gardenias. When I smell them I am taken back to my childhood. Taken back to my Granny's kitchen table. I remember sitting there and always smelling this sweet smell coming from the yard and never knowing what it was. Granny's yard was nothing but flowers. Nothing fancy, just a country yard with a tiny country woman tending it. I can still see her going out the door with her bonnet on her head. Her little shift dress and second hand shoes she probably got from Mama. I remember the tiger lilies that grew by the chicken yard. Those are the ones she let me cut and take to my Big Mama when she was in the hospital. The porch was loaded with pots and old coffee cans brimming over with growth. Christmas cactus; Sawtooth cactus; coleus and ferns. By one tree was an old iron headboard overgrown with ivy. Another spot was iris that she wouldn't let me dig if they were blooming, but let me dig to my heart's content afterwards.

It was years later after Granny was gone that I was in my own yard: I smelled a gardenia blossom. I was back at Granny's table. That was the smell that always came thru the window. I smell it and it fills my heart. Fills my heart with memories of a precious woman who taught me the love of nature. It makes my heart glad and at the same time brings on a little sadness. I wish I could be with her one more day. Walk thru her yard and make myself memorize every part of it. I wish she could see my yard. I know she would "poor mouth" me and tell me she couldn't afford plants like these. I know she would talk me into dividing most every thing I have, and I would do it gladly.

On the foot of my bed is one of Granny's bonnets. I look at it and think about how many times she wore it doing what she loved most (besides sneaking tobacco). And when I smell the first gardenias of the season, I know Granny has come back to me again and I feel better about life.