A New Start (Again)

So once again I am making a new start. I feel like I've been doing that for years, but I guess a new start is better than a miserable present.

I am 41 years old, have been in food service nearly 20 years (decorating cakes for 16). I was so nervous yesterday when I had to go fill out some paperwork, I took a xanax. That's not something I normally do (rarely), but new things/changes make me a nervous wreck. But just you wait until I get my feet wet, I will make those people fall in love with me.

In A Nut Shell

I haven't done this in so long, there's no way I can catch up. Early last Summer (2009), Daddy was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. We were devastated. I'll never forget Mama pushing Daddy's wheelchair, tears pouring down her face, and her mouthing the words to me "Alzheimer's". We went home together. Daddy laid down on the bed, and cried, while Mama held his hand and cried. I bottled it all up, and did my crying alone. Only weeks after this, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. In many ways we've been losing him bit by bit, but in some ways he's improved. The "cocktail" of pills has helped the tremors enough that he can once again work his beloved crossword puzzle. He even wrote me a letter for my 41st birthday (can't ever remember him doing that).

I went from working 60 hour weeks, to working 30 hour weeks...just so I could be with him. I've now left that job, and am starting a new one. We will be facing some new challenges, but Mama and I are pretty tough (some would say mean), and I know we can work it out. I have let fear, and "what if's" control my decisions, and it's time to change some things.

This past year has been a learning experience, and I know we'll look back one day and realize that these were "the easy days". When it gets worse, and it will (there's no cure for Alzheimer's except death), we're going to dig deep, and keep on going.

Christmas in Summer

When I decorate for Christmas, I always take holly leaves and berries to decorate around our door. This past December when I went to the holly bush for my traditional clipping, I was surprised that there were no berries: Not one. I looked and looked and could not believe that huge bush that always has berries every Christmas was bare this time. So, I made due with the leaves and a few berries from a nandina bush.

Last week I was doing my gardening (in this 100 degree heat), and found myself next to the same holly bush. It was loaded with berries; The branches bending with the weight of all the berries. I thought it was strange to see them now. But at the same time it made me feel a glimmer inside. You know that special feeling you get during the holidays. It's different when you get older....and a little wiser. Not the excitement of what you're going to get or that Santa Claus is coming. It's a special feeling I get from the spirit of Christmas: The lights, the decorations, the tree, and yes what I will give every one. I love it all. When I saw those berries, I had that special feeling. I felt like nature was telling me "You're already half way thru another year, and Christmas will be here before you know it". I never cease to be amazed at what I learn in nature. The lessons are new every day. And this time, it shared the spirit of Christmas with me. There are signs all around us. We just have to be willing to slow down long enough to look and take them to heart.

My Last Grandparent

Last Friday my grandma Mrs. Madge Davis passed away.....I called her "Ma-Ma". She was 88 years old....and a hell raiser for most of those 88 years. She had been a farm wife for many years, and a widow since 1971. She loved fancy clothes and dressing fine. In it's day, her little trailer was pretty nice. It was white with red trim, and there was a carport to shelter her pretty red Chevrolet. Inside the trailer was red carpet, and red drapes........red was her favorite color. She always kept cookies in a tea pot shaped, green cookie jar. And she made the best cakes in the world. We never left without Lemon Cheese cake; Coconut cake (pink and white layers with divinity icing); Yellow cake with chocolate icing that had crushed pecans in it. And her fudge and divinity couldn't be beat. I try to make it like her, but haven't gotten there yet. She didn't believe in a candy thermometer, and when I mentioned having one, she told me to "throw the shittin' thing out". She was impatient, demanding, and a hypochondriac. But she was also giving and generous to a fault. If she had five dollars in the bank, you could have it if you asked. She would give you the shirt off her back. She loved her children more than anything, and I think in her own way she loved me. MaMa worked at the 76 Truckstop over 30 years. Even when she was going blind, she still drove to work at the truckstop. She was always up by 5 every morning, many times baking cakes for friends or baking to make a few extra dollars. It was nothing for her to have 50 cakes in the freezer.
By the time she went to an assisted living home, she was getting in bad shape. She had a badly mangled arm, was nearly blind and deaf, then developed Alzheimer's Disease. All the time she had it in her mind that she was going back to her trailer.....she loved that place. And she was always proud of being a Dooly County resident. A couple of weeks ago her kidneys began to fail, and that was the end. She lasted a lot longer than anyone ever thought she would. I know she could make some visits miserable, but right now I'm remembering happy times. I've thought about dirty jokes she told me, and how she went to see Porky's when it first came out. She told me about the bad scenes in the movie and threw her head back laughing. I've thought about her cussing and demanding every one to get in the kitchen and eat some "bah-b-que". She was a mess and I will miss her. She was my last grandparent......she held out a long time. I'm sure it was pure stubbornness. I hope where ever she is that she knows we love her and hope she can calm down now and rest in peace.

Happy Birthday Granny

It's one day late, but yesterday was my Granny's 100th birthday. I thought about her and how much I miss her. I remembered the "candy drawer" in her kitchen. It was lined with foil and full of candy bars and sweet tarts. In another drawer she hid her cigarettes in an old band-aid can...I found them and smoked them....sorry Granny. Her freezer was always stocked with ice cream "sand-witches" and orange push-ups.

She would love the daffodils blooming now. Her thrift has been in full bloom, and the white iris she gave us years ago have started to bloom. Granny always had a surprise for us. Whether it was her latest crochet project, or a bucket full of bitties that had just hatched out. I loved when we were staying with her and we would have our early morning trip to the Piggly Wiggly. Even though she lived on very little money, I remember her taking me to the candy aisle and telling me to get anything I wanted. That was Granny.

I hope she and Aunt Laverne celebrated her day together, although I know Aunt Laverne rubbed it in that she's the only relative to ever get a cake I decorated. I miss you Granny and hope you know how much you meant to me.....you were the best. I hope where ever you are you can see my yard and know you are always present in my heart every time I walk and look at my flowers. Happy Birthday Granny!

A Year Later

It's one year today that you've been gone Aunt Laverne. I was at work today and I thought about you so much. I thought about how hard your life was and you managed to make it through day after day with little or no help. I thought about how funny you could be, and how stubborn you were (we're a lot alike...you said that too). I thought about Debbie and wondered if she's thinking about you. You are not forgotten and you never will be. I hope I can be as strong and determined as you were. I miss you and hope you know how much Mama and I love you.

Bits and Pieces

Daddy has always been tough. He grew up on a farm, and farmed up until my brother was born. He went to work with Southern Railway I guess the same year Buddy was born (1967), and stayed there until the early nineties. He survived having a car back over him, and then in 1979 having a train drag him down a track and roll over his leg. He went thru years of amputations and deadly infections. Years of hard rehab. I never saw him cry. I remember taking him for physical therapy when I was only 9 and wondering how he could stand the pain. He endured so much, and still managed to hold down a full time job all those years (which is why I get so angry at all the people on public assistance, but that's another story).

Just before the holidays I decided to ride to the Galleria to look for a couple of things. I asked my Dad if he wanted to go, and I was surprised when he said yes. We got to the mall and it was almost like a veil was lifted from my eyes. I saw my Dad who was always so strong.....now as a frail, old man. I was scared to let him walk too far from me: Afraid he might fall or someone might bump into him. I noticed his neck is wrinkled the same way his Mama's is. I wondered when he got so old. Every week Mama and I see the changes. A conversation we had a day before that he can't remember. An idea he gets stuck in his head and that's all we hear that day. A remark we make and Daddy gets it completely twisted around. I think these are the bits and pieces that are breaking away. It's not old age, it's different. He shakes so bad now he can't eat with a fork. If anything....and I mean anything....happens, he cries so hard he can't talk. It makes me angry that things can't be different and he and Mama can't travel the world during these years. It makes me sad that one day I know he might not remember me. I wonder if I'll be like him one day.

This is what family means. When you are family and you love each other, you take care of each other no matter what. You don't hope someone else will come and rescue you from your trouble. You pull together, keep your head down and plow thru. As long as I live and breathe, I hope I can take care of my family....in whatever little I can do.